There She Was - Parte UNO

"Do Plug in EVERGLOW by Coldplay while reading"

Alarms are boring. Yes, they are. Worst when they buzz sharp in the morning.
Why the hell do people choose to put on alarms when they don’t want to break their sleep’s flow.
It was one of those mornings, worst, it was a Tuesday!
The day after the monstrous Monday is always wicked.
But nothing much was on the cards. The usual routine is enough to entertain the mornings; gym,
then getting ready for the office followed by the usual horrible traffic.
Why do people have to work in the office, can’t they get paid for this torture of traffic.
A happy mood’s plan goes to vain when you have a hell lot of horns by the sane. The day was bland, as he didn’t
have much work to do. All that meant was that he had more time for non-office things!
Chilling scenes and numerous small breaks were all there on the plans. The day was going well, until. Yeah, until.

Stories always change from where they start, Aren’t They?

He was thoughtless, staring at his desktop when suddenly a notification popped up on his cell phone.
He instantly checks that. Holy cow (‘F’ word is censored for random Navratri reasons)

“Hey,ssup?” he read that message out loud.

It wasn’t the message that shocked him, it was the sender.

First of all, it was on Tuesday. Secondly, that was something unusual.
When everything was going plain, how could one handle such a turn? He kind of had mixed feelings!

It was all like, the time stuck his chords to particular number only and all of a sudden all activities had gone to slack.
He forgot to gulp down the loath down his throat. It almost choked his voice. He barely blabbered.

“Is this for real?” he pinched himself to get the painful confirmation.

“Yes, it is.” The answer was evident. But, how come? It was history as of then!
They were together once, but it was long ago. Almost ages, no not ages! Yeah but, almost 8 years ago. 

All of a sudden with that message, all the memories flashed again. Their first meets to their togetherness.
It was childish, but they had been each other’s better halves. Now they are just 2 different halves.

After a few minutes, he replied hesitantly, “I am good, how about you?”

Like he was deadly desperate to know her to answer. Moreover, her words.

The wait of an hour for her next message felt like an eternity to him; eventually, she replied,
“I am good as well. Just landed. Having 3 days off.”

Instead of thinking even for a jiffy he tapped the message box and typed, “oh. So you are here. That’s just great.”

When it comes to special ones why does our head stop thinking straight?
Basic functionality of our head is to think as per the rules set by our experiences, maybe that is why it doesn’t
follow the straight route for thinking.

Just a few seconds later, he got another message from her, “Nah, yet to reach there. Having a layover in Nagpur.
Will be there by tonight. Then a day off.” She explained to him her current whereabouts,
prolonging with

“Want to catch up?

Will you be free?”

He played it cool, “Yeah sure. Tell me when you want to meet?”

“Tonight.” She replied, “It will be possible for you, right?”

He didn’t expect such a firm answer. He was in awe. Almost struck.
Things were in slack, Again! He read the same reply for over a hundred times.
He was still consumed by his thoughts, but somewhere in the back of his mind,
a voice instructed him to type “YES”. Surrendering to the voice, he hit the send button.

And then the situation inside his brain turned all haywire.
The next instant, he was asking himself more questions,
“What am I going to do? How am I supposed to face her?”

Amid all his endless questions to himself, her message popped up,
“Ohh great. I never thought that you will say yes this fast. So, where should we meet, your place or mine?”

“I will come to pick you up.” He just typed out of nowhere, with mixed feelings.

“You sure you can come to the airport? Don’t come. Send me your location I’ll come to you!” she replied.

“No worries. I can come. In fact, I will come. Just send me the schedule of your flight, and I will be there.”
He played it cool as he had no other choice.

“Ok then. By the way, please bring 2 cigs, ultra-mild would be great.”
She replied and also confirmed the timings.

Now he knew that he had to leave the office early. Every man’s mind in such conditions plans out a how-to blueprint to help manage the leftover time. It is like there is a hidden algorithm fit in the back of man's mind.

He reached his home, and in no time he got ready. He selected his clothes instantly although
he had to select the best out of his waste (clothes). Men always wear the least worst-looking clothes, as men don’t have the best clothes ready all the time.

He booked his cab and left for the airport. The cab was for him, but along with him,
thoughts were his co-passengers. It was surreal. He hadn’t expected such things to happen.
Things were going great, and suddenly he had a full rush of excitement. He was enjoying that,
and on the other hand, he was terrified. He was about to reach the airport when his wrist band vibrated,
a text flashed over “about to reach, will be out in next 15-20 minutes”.
It was a text from her. He reached the airport and was waiting for her.
It was hard for him to settle his nerves down, so he lit one cigarette.
With the next puff, he flew, his cell phone started ringing. It was her.

“Where are you, I can’t see you fat-ass?” She was on the other side of the call.

“Near the smoking zone.” He directed her.

With the last peck, he turned to witness the best moment of the day.

It was her. As fresh as the light of a star. As soothing as the drift of a car.

“She is still beautiful.” He was yet to regain his composure.
Her white top and blue jeans had given him the best sight his eyes could get or precisely what he could ask for.
It was the best walk down the aisle. With every step of her toward him, his heart started racing with the winds.
All he could utter was a puff of air in the form of a pleasing sigh, “Wooooooh”.

She was finally there, in front of him. He couldn’t believe it until they hugged.
He didn’t know what overtook him at that moment but he hugged her with a best and tight grip.
He just didn’t want that moment to pass away. Moments later they decided to book a cab and head toward his
place to spend time. After all, they are finally getting together after almost 7 years.
They were not good, but yeah, friends at the least.

Those 45 minutes of that cab ride cleared the tension that had engulfed him.
He almost forgot that they were not together anymore. He touched her hands, he made her laugh,
he played with her words, and he got punches to duck.
It was all like those years of not being together meant nothing.
They were happy. Like nothing bad had ever happened. They were still cool like they were before.
They shared their secrets, they laughed over old times,
and there were tears of joy and questions of not being in touch for all these years.

No matter what, people move on. Things eventually cool down, only if you give it some time.
In the end, nothing but being true to oneself matters.

His day again going as per the tracks.

They reached his place; he gave him a tour of his home. He thanked his stars for this moment.
She liked being surrounded by him. They planned to watch a movie together. He picked one movie;
meanwhile, she gave him a sandwich which she had brought for him.
She knew that he would have skipped his tiny meal to meet her.  

Sometimes we get so involved with ourselves, that we forget the true meaning of devoting. It only occurs on such occasions, how special we could be to someone. Little things might not matter, but little efforts do matter.

They spent quality time together. They shared a lot of their pieces, of yarns and stories.
Time just passed like it was in an Olympics race. In no time, the sun-kissed the streets.
It was time now for her to leave.

He didn’t want her to leave. Saying goodbye was always hard for him. He didn’t want her to leave, again.

But he had to follow the ritual, she had to leave.

Before bidding him goodbye, she kissed his cheeks.
He smiled and kissed her forehead.
He hugged her for the last time.
He didn’t want the time to strike a new hour.
Those brief moments before parting were the best of his day or maybe life.
A day that started usually, ended unusually.

He stayed there until she was out of sight. He couldn’t believe that he is all alone, again!

She was happy. She had finally moved on!

#live... #love... #prosper...  

~ Abhishek Bose

That Friday Night...

And it's one of those days again….
l'm lost again…..
My heart feels heavy and mind blank….
I find traces of regret as I fluttered through the pages of life...

Where am l ...?

Why am I here ...?


It's an unknown-familiar place…!
As I walk the paths, I see pictures of memories nimbling (hastily moving) in front of my eyes.
I feel sorry for the way I treated my old self. I feel sorry for all those wrong decisions...
The sun has set, the dusk is fading, it's getting darker here.

It's like a forest of tall trees with deep roots, digging into the past.
It's getting more darker here, I hear the wolves cry from a distant hill. The sky is getting cloudier. It feels creepy, l am choking, I need
to breathe…

Yes Breathe…

But Help..!!

The roots....

The roots are strangling my throat, tangling my hands, as I try to push them away.
I want to breathe!
Help!


And I woke up..!
Screaming…
Sweating…
Heartbeat Racing...


It's dawn now, the reddish hue of the sky, soothes my mind. The birds are chirping from a distance. The air is fresh, the aura of lily planted in my balcony, dances in the air...

It's a new day, a day full of hope...
It's the present, I survived the nightmare of the past, once again…!

And it's one of those days when I feel lost, lost in the beauty of life and love…..

#live... #love... #prosper...
~ Abhishek Bose

Coffee That BREWED Well..!

 " ...Firse wahi hai samaa... Chehre wahi, badli zubaan... "

I twisted my left wrist allowing the bright blue digits to pop up on my Fitbit- " 4:10 " it read. I needed to be there by 4:30. My heart skipped a beat as I glanced in the mirror for one final outfit check. I hadn’t been this nervous to go on a date since my first real date (which had been with the same person I was seeing today, only 10 years prior). Oh, the irony!

As I drove to our meeting place my mind raced, and the butterflies in my stomach multiplied. “Why am I doing this?” I asked myself out loud. “It will end badly. I’ll end up getting hurt all over again.”

At that moment I considered turning my car around and going straight home, but I had made a commitment. In fact, this whole meet up had been my idea. It would be uncharacteristic of me to cancel now. There was no turning back.

I felt the vibration of the phone on my lap. At the stoplight, I glanced down at my phone. There was just one word displayed across the screen: “Here...” Shit. He had arrived before me. Now I was the one running late (which is also uncharacteristic of me). Thankfully, I was only one winding road away from our meeting place. I parked my car and texted him back letting him know that I, too, was “here.” We both walked to the entrance door. He from one end of the building and I from the other. We came together like two midpoints intersecting. He welcomed me with a hug. “This was a great idea you had,” he said. His voice had more of a southern drawl to it then I remembered.

Although the quaint coffee shop was almost empty, there was electric energy circulating throughout the building. When we got to the counter, he ordered and then offered to buy my drink. My nerves began to settle as we sat down at the big oak table. He looked at me intently and smiled. Oh, that smile! I had forgotten about those straight, white teeth of his (I’m a sucker for a nice smile).

We talked for a while. There were the expected questions- “How is your family?” “Are you enjoying your job?” “Do you have plans for Easter?” But there were deeper issues to discuss, like how he had ended up divorced. How I had been engaged, but instead of getting married a brokenhearted me moved to Los Angeles. There’s a lot to cover when you’ve barely spoken to someone in a decade.

Our conversation flowed. There were no awkward moments or long pauses. We talked about politics, our spiritual beliefs. At one point he even got misty-eyed and apologized for how he had treated me so long ago. “I felt guilty about it for years,” he said. I waved it off and told him that he was forgiven. We had both been at fault. Yes, he may have been the one that broke it off, but I was young, immature, and lacking any form of self-confidence. (I’m sure my clingy, love-starved self was wearing.)

Half smiling he stated, “Seeing you is a real kick in the head.” Interpret this how you want, but I take it to mean that seeing me now made him realize what he had left behind. But the truth is, I was not the same person in 2009 that I am today. And had we stayed together all of this time would I have grown into the woman I am today? It’s a question I’m still mulling over.

I could sense our time was coming to an end. He had to meet his parents for dinner. I had to go home and finish binge-watching my latest Netflix obsession. He told me that I looked great. Again, he hugged me, and again he told me what a great idea this was for us to meet up.

I suppose this story is anticlimactic. It wasn’t the kind of exciting scene you’d read in a book or see in a movie. There was no going back to his place to make up (or make out). There was no fighting or tears. There was no drama. We were just two adults drinking coffee and catching up. Nothing more, nothing less. And you know what? That’s okay. It was realistic. It was real life.

I don’t know what kind of seed (if any) was planted on that late afternoon coffee date. Will budding romance bloom? Potentially. Will a healthy, platonic friendship grow? Possibly. But this I do know-I’m glad I took the initiative to reach out. I’m proud of myself for pushing all of my insecurities and fear of rejection aside. 

I’m thankful that I never turned my car around...

#live.. #love.. #proser.. 
~Abhishek Bose

It's the TIMING.... That was Wrong..!

".... Maula Mere Ishq Ka Hafiz Hai Tu... Duniya Se Phir Main Yun Darrun Bhala kyun ...."

She was everything I ever wanted in a woman. If I were to conceptualise a list of ten desired qualities in a woman, She would score eleven out of ten. She was my other half, this uncomprehendingly wonderful being that fulfilled my life, so much, that I sometimes doubted her existence and thought that I had contrived her in a dream. She inspired me, challenged me and loved me just as I was: quirks, flaws and all. She touched my soul so deeply that I was completely vulnerable to her grasp, which was always tender and caring. She taught me what it felt like to truly love someone down to your core; what it felt like to constantly live with a burning desire, so strong that it actually pains you, and She showed me the perpetually engulfing warmth of deep, flaming, impassioned, mad love. She dreamed up delightful visions of our future together – bright enough for both our imaginations.
I loved every element of her soul. What she deemed flawed, I saw as more reasons to love her: I loved her heartwarming stutter when She became too excited about a topic of conversation; that floppy wisp of hair that She could never seem to control; the way She overused the word perpetually when describing her passions; her shyness when wearing her glasses, letting my compliments bounce off her like a tennis ball to a solid wall; the sad smile She made that accompanied a vacant stare when remembering happy memories of a loved one lost; her confidence that was always accompanied by a tiny crevice of self-doubt, a nook that I constantly tried to fill; and her overwhelming passion for life and love: always optimistic, always grateful, always pure and true. Our conversations were energy-filled debates of love and adoration: bursting with the excitement of sharing our knowledge, truths, love and joie de vivre; yearning to include each other in every capillary of our lives.
She was my perfect puzzle piece: an over-thinker, a relentless inspiration-seeker, forever a solitary explorer, believing that life is meant for loving, and happiness is meant for sharing. She loved and took note of life’s simple pleasures, like a steaming cup of tea, aged wine, the smell of old books, the beauty in the silliness of a fit of uncontrollable laughter, the underrated phenomena of a thunderstorm, the crinkles of my nose when I laugh and the unique story to the cracks and pops of a spinning vinyl. She was a down-to-earth woman, taking a liking to the distinctive story behind every object, location and individual, equipped with the remarkable ability to connect with your soul; her presence an eternally rare gift. She encouraged my passions, loving the way I wrote words that I had never spoken, and my constant desire to make them bounce off the pages on which they were written. But She was also was my reality: pulling me back down to earth when I had floated too far into space...

“The timing was wrong.”

She knew me better than I knew myself; She guided me towards a more beautiful life and opened my eyes to a wonderful, dazzling world that She helped create for me. My heart was safely, snuggly wrapped in a blanket of her pulchritudinous love; and so I always carried her with me, wherever I went: in my sub-conscience, in my actions, in my thoughts, in my activities. It was as though we were one, and I was just one half of this amazingly surreal, perfect concept of ‘us’. With her by my side, I felt like I could conquer the world, reach all my goals and dream up inconceivable dreams; but with her by my side, I was just as content with dropping everything for a simple, happy life of togetherness.
I couldn’t love her enough. The timing was wrong.
I was in the winter of my life, stuck in an icicle of numbness: too afraid to completely give my heart, but want to with every fibre of my being. My life was a circulating frustration, filled with demons of the past, and I needed to find myself before She found me. I was hiding behind a mask of optimism, running away from the claws of my emotions. She came into my life at a very fragile time and soon discovered that loving a conscious man is hard work. I wanted simple; however, the new me and the life I was leading was far from simple. I was frustrated with her for the way She made me feel: filled with so much love, adoration and desire that She became a need – an unbeknown feeling to me; and I, like many other over-thinkers and men plagued by chauvinist ideals, was sadly too afraid to dive into the unknown, to listen to her beyond just hearing her spoken words, to mirror the support and respect that She gave me…
I was ill, lost in anger and trapped in my routine, too afraid to admit that what I wanted in life was beyond what I had. I should have realised that I was sick: I stopped writing, reading, watching films, enjoying music, exploring the world that was on my doorstep, and I had lost my hunger for the taste of new experiences – core elements of the man that I am. Drowning in self-loathing, my full glass of frustration soon overflowed onto her, the one person that understood me and the only one I allowed close enough to my heart to be my comfort. I should have painfully pushed my pride aside and accepted that my frustration was caused by my routine, my lifestyle, and my refusal to accept that what I thought I wanted out of life, and the pathway that I had taken, was incorrect.
Despite the fact that She was faced with the toughest time of her life, a time of loss, unwanted change and an unimaginable sadness, She was still there for me; and I was undeserving. She would approach me with love and delight, and I would respond with a blank stare and silent tears creeping down my cheeks – tormented by my own frustrations that I simply couldn’t understand. I could not give her the love and support that she needed, and it leads to a pointless war within. I was not ready for her love, as much as I desperately thirsted to be ready for it....

She was my first love and my first heartbreak....

Life without her brought me inconceivable pain: pain that turned out to be my greatest teacher. It was a pain that represented the few fighting rays of sunshine through the fog of my life; pain that set me on a path of self-discovery; pain that demanded me to keep learning; pain that taught me what it really means to feel; and pain that forced me to open my eyes that had been blinded by the illusion that the distance between us was merely physical and not emotional. Losing her, my entire world and the person I depended on for happiness, was a reality check of note: I was forced to avoid all distractions and take a cold, hard look at myself and finally be honest about my aspirations and how I wanted to reach them. I had to forget about everyone else’s opinions and uncover the truth about how I felt – something I had hidden to make life easier: a demon that I should have addressed before I met her. I had to start creating my own happiness; and wow, what a challenge that has been.
It’s hard to live with should haves and the mourning of unspoken words, unfulfilled moments and future memories left blank. I yearned for her forgiveness, knowing that it wasn’t him, but me. I am thankful for the fact that I was never granted the opportunity to ask for it, due to the high wall that She had built between us, separating the beginnings of her new life from the memory of us, because it leads me to the realisation that I first needed to forgive myself. The heartbreak was self-inflicted, and I will carry the weight of that with me for the rest of my life.
Life after her has been filled with self-discovery, enlightenment, change, a new lifestyle, new perspective, wisdom and new-found confidence. I am finally in a place of contentment and decisiveness: knowing that where I am right now is where I am meant to be. I am now capable of love and support, and I have accepted and grown from the flaws of my failed relationship and its lessons. I am now myself: the man I tried to hide, and the man that She loved, hidden beneath the facade of what I was trying to be. The journey to where I am now has been incredibly tough, but I have somehow healed through rediscovering myself: through writing, listening, observing and living; not in numbness, but in fully immersing myself in life’s experiences. The realisation that guilt is a wasted emotion and finally having the courage to forgive myself took time, six months to be exact, but the freeing feelings of elation, relief and exuberance that followed are what have now come to define me as a man.
Ironically, we are better fitting puzzle pieces now more than ever before, but the memory of the pain I caused her and the knowledge of its compounding nature will forever separate her from me.
It is always hard to choose a tense when talking, writing or thinking about her, because my feelings for her will eternally be unchanged. My respect for that woman runs deeper than the darkest depths of the ocean. We met at the wrong time, and that’s okay. I have come to accept it, and hope that someday, maybe somehow, we’ll meet, enjoy a cup of tea together, reminisce and escape in one last serene moment of shared happiness. Sadly, I cannot tell my heart when to stop beating for the person who has long since stopped listening for its rhythms. One thing is infinitely certain: 

She will forever be the one who woke me up, and for that, I will always love her….

#live.. #love.. #proser.. 
~Abhishek Bose

माँ बाबा ..!

मेरी एक चीख पर,  त्योरी जिनकी चढ़ जाती है,

मेरे एक आसूं से पहले, आँखें जिनकी नम हो जाती है…

मुझे हर बार गिरने से जो बचाते है

गलत राह पर जाने से, जो हर बार चीख के वापिस ले आते है…

झूठ बोलने पर जिन्होंने टोका है,

अपनी बातें बोलने के लिए जिन्होंने हमेशा दिया मौका है…

उलझने आने पर जिन्होंने सही राह दिखलाई है,

दूसरों की मदद करने की सीख जिन्होंने सिखाई है…

मेरे भविष्य का सुनहरा सपना जिसने देखा है,

हर छेत्र में आगे रहना उन्ही के कर्मो का लेखा है…

खुद बिना खाए जिसने पहले मुझे खिलाया है,

खुद से ज़्यादा प्यार जिसने मुझपे लुटाया है…

वो मेरे माँ बाप के रूप में भगवान के अवतार नही, वो खुद खुदा हैं जो मेरे साथ रहते हैं…

जिनकी हर याद में बस मैं हूँ, जिनकी दुआओं में बस मेरा नाम हैं..

जिनकी सुबह मेरी हँसी से और उनकी हँसी से मेरी शाम है…

माँ - बाबा हैं या खुदा पता नहीं, मेरे लिए मेरा जहां हैं…

#लिव… #लव... #प्रोस्पर…

~ अभिषेक बोस ...

W O R D S ....

Words…..

Do they spill out of you without warning or do you have trouble forming them? I don’t know which one is a better option, the easier option. Because in both you’re up against a powerful force.

Are words your friends or your enemies? Because I have days when they are former, days when they are latter and days when they are both, not to forget those days when they are simply not there. Empty-headed. I call those my peaceful days.

Do you give voice to your words or is it the other way round? Because I feel there’s a very thin line between the two.

Do forced words hurt you? Because if it isn’t coming naturally to you, it is bound to drain you.

Are words selfish? It’s what the people make them to be, is what many would say, I believe. But I think they are. Selfish.

Are your words really yours? Because many use borrowed ones.

Do you have the right words? Because words are deceptive. Right today, wrong tomorrow. Here now, gone the next moment. Playful.

But, and I feel this is by far the most important, are your words alive? Because if they are not, you’re not that far either...

#live.. #love.. #proser..

~Abhishek Bose

And... 👇

That's How I love - 

From the deepest abyss of my being, a point whose

origin l don't even know...

I love like there's no tomorrow.
So much so that when your thought pops up in my head, which happens so very often, I feel a tug where my heart is, as though someone is pulling it down towards my stomach.

Down..

Down..

Further down..

I feel an emptiness where my heart was supposed to be. As though it has gone missing. 

Is that when you miss someone??

And when you occupy my thoughts constantly every second, is it my fault or yours? 

Are my thoughts picking you or are you walking into them? 

Are you refusing to leave or am l refusing to let go of you? 

Can you blame me for wanting you everytime you barge into my thoughts? 

Can you imagine how difficult it is to not act upon my thoughts everytime you are in it?

That's How I love.

Persistently...

Passionately...

Profoundly...

Because you are the light that floods my eyes and
soul. And when you aren't around, I'm blinded
but with an imprint in the shape of you behind my
eyelids. A strong memory of what once was and of
what won't be any more that same memory, until next time...

And I'll hang on to that shadowy imprint of you for as long as it takes... For that's how I love...

#live.. #love... #prosper ...
~Abhishek Bose...